I am infertile, my body doesn’t work. I will never carry a child and that grieves me deeply, it really does, I never envisioned a life without children but here it is. People suggest adoption to me frequently but I am not willing to partake in a system that is classest, racist, and misogynistic. A system that makes adoptees feel second best (because if you adopt because you can’t have your own children they are second best.) I have spent too much time exploring my feelings as an adoptee, listening to other adoptees and doing research on the issues around adoption to think anybody wins when adoption happens. Even the adoptive parents don’t win, not really, because they don’t get what they really want. They don’t get a child of their blood, their genes. they end up with a child who is an unknown quantity then they very often get frustrated and angry when it doesn’t turn out like them.

I thought a lot about being infertile and I realised that actually a lot of that grief came from not being able to carry a child, not being able to experience pregnancy and adoption won’t fix that, wont take that grief away.

But being infertile doesn’t mean my life is empty, doesn’t mean I can’t give to the future in other ways. I work with other peoples children. I’m a youth worker, a Brownie leader, a soon to be godmother I’m on the management committee of several community weaving projects. Being infertile means I can focus on these things, can support other people who are parenting, I can be involved in community weaving for people who dont have the time or energy because they are busy parenting. Doing these things softens the edges of my grief but still I will grieve not being able to have a child forever on some level and that’s okay