I think one of the reasons adoption damage goes so deep is because we have no one to acknowledge our pain. So very few people are willing to hear us, or willing to acknowledge our grief and loss our trauma. Nobody wants to know that adoption hurts and damages adoptees.

The very first time I said anything about how much I hated being adopted and how fucked up everything was was on a cross triad forum. It was an adoptee support section of the forum but I still got ripped to shreds, not only that but the thread with my words, with my pain, with the very first time I’d ever said “this is not okay, this is fucked up” got moved to the debate forum so they could discuss weather or not it was appropriate for me to blame adoption for my pain. Luckily another adoptee (Addie I think) scooped me up and took me to another forum that is the only adoptee centric, adoptee focused forum on the web where we can say our truths without getting shouted down for being bitter, angry, ungrateful or misguided (and I learned my lesson about “triad” forums and websites, they are always for adoptive parents really) If I hadn’t been pointed to the adoptee forum i don’t know what I would have done, I think I would have clammed up and never ever talked about my adoptee pain ever again, i don’t even want to think how many adoptees that happens to. We adoptees witness and support each others pain but I think to heal more deeply we need other witnesses, witnesses who have not been scarred by adoption, witnesses who can say “I haven’t been through what you’ve been through but I can see and understand how damaging it was”

In my off line life although all my friends know I’m adopted I don’t usually talk about my feelings around it much at all because even most people who love me, care about me, don’t get it, because people do refuse to witness my pain. But one day I just blurted it out to one of my friends. We spent quite a lot of time together getting drunk and talking utter crap and telling each other things we may not have done if we had been sober so maybe that had something to do with it. I can’t even remember what we were talking about or why the issue came up but she said something about adoption and i took a gamble and I said “yeah actually I’m not a big fan of adoption, I think there are lots of issues there.” which was clearly softening greatly how I really felt about it. I was gobsmacked when she, a real kid, agreed with me, she referred to it as “an act of violence” That was a really powerful moment for me. I always felt that my adoption was a physical trauma but I’d never heard anyone describe it as violence before. and it is violence, to children, mothers, families, communities. I’m sure I bore her to tears talking about adoption politics but its so refreshing that i have someone in my of line life I can talk about it with without having to explain or apologise to.

There are other people in my life that get it now but that’s after I’ve educated them on it, she was the first person offline I ever met who was totally right of the bat affirming about the way I felt about it and understanding of how damaging and oppressive it it, she was my witness and that has been incredibly healing and afirming for me